the last night?

15/10 (Mon)

Yea, I deactivated my Facebook account, not sure when I'm going to activate back. I'm pretty sure no one's going to miss me too. Gone to Beijing for 8 days, received nothing but 1 text from him and a bunch of not so useful notifications in Facebook.

Okay, if my action will let us come to an end then just let me regret. Maybe there's not turning back anymore, I don't know. As what he said, I'm the one that screwed things up. He got fed up and given up hope on me already. He went to bed again, ignoring my calls, leaving me all alone in my Kampar room, crying and then finally calmed down myself to start writing this post. What I did on Saturday night was the last he could handle huh?

So what is left to us now? Guess I'll need to suit the new life without him so soon? Best of luck to him too, we don't need to keep in touch anymore. Not now, maybe a few years later if we're really done this time. By the way, I'm glad I passed all subject with B last sem. So later 11am will be the first class of my new sem in degree, I'm kinda afraid I can't find any accompany. *sigh :(

YK I'm sorry, take care.

ws

Nothing but trash

27/9 (Thurs)

Okay, my 1st ever post in 2012, I really abandon here too long. Sorry bloggie :S But this time I just want to express my feelings, even though I stop blogging because I don't want to effect others' mood. I'm just way too pessimist :( 

I'm already a degree students right now, sem 3 *foundation's last sem was a disaster @@ I'm having a very bad lifestyle starting from end of May, my meal and slumber are all in mess. It's hard for me to find friends to accompany me for dinner 'cause everyone has different timetable so it's kinda like hard to match? Well, degree wasn't a total nightmare but it sure did taught me a lot of stuff. Especially every paid off doesn't mean you're going to get what you have been expecting. I thought making new friends is suppose to be like what I've in mind, but I was wrong.

I have wondered why am I excluded all the times, start from the Ipoh trip to the last farewell thingy which really made me cried like a SH, there is really no excuse I can make for them to not involve me. I think I've had enough, it's just the matter of intention. I should have known that they don't even count me as a member in their gang, all those helps I offered, all the conversations we have are like nothing to them. I even get criticised by one of them through fb status. So is just like I'm a brainless freak that did all those stuffs to get myself abandoned, and that makes me the loser in the end. Next sem would be better?! I don't know :(

About my love life, I really don't know how to maintain it anymore. It's just like I'm the one wasting time, whatever efforts I gave wasn't good enough, I'm doing noting right but making matters worse and what else?? I'm seriously done with all those teasing and requests I need to fulfil, but there's nothing I can do about it. Isn't coupling suppose to be happy?? Maybe that's what suck attitude (me) deserved. I'm really tired and helpless, I don't know what's wrong with our relationship. I'm already trying my best to give it all but can it really last?? I just know the habit of late-sleeping is going to last...

ws :'(

Back - Sem 2 :)

24/10 (Mon)

Just gotta the feeling to blog again, don't scold me for leaving here so long... Recently my life was quite a mess with arguments and tears, emotion was quite unstable. So if I wrote something here, sure I'll write out something very unhappy like my last post. But now I'm quite okay already, don't worry as I don't like people or maybe friends to worry about me. So those unhappy moments better just kept in my mind set okay?? ;)

Last weekend I missed out something due to daring by you with anger but I gained another thing as well. Haizz, but losing the chance to have fun with them is definitely my own fault... In turn, I got the chance to back Ipoh and go for Mr. Lai's food party with KC and SW on Saturday. And don't forget I went to blood-donation last week :P And last week I got my 1st presentation this sem, it was a disaster D: I just dislike public speaking, hopefully the marks is still okay ==

Today evening rained like cats and dogs in Kampar, my bicycle over night in the campus for the 2nd or 3rd times I think =3= It was still consider as a "okay" day until just now, my besty said she don't think I love you that much?! Erghh, it just give me the feelings like all those tears I shed is useless... A little frustrated when I see this appearing in her chat box with this shit line but maybe she's right... Haizz, whatever is it. I just don't know what to say when the topic is you. Many things happened and that's all :C

Just hope that tomorrow will be a better day I guess..

WS ;)

Good-bye!

2/10 (Sun)

I closed my laptop at 4am, you want to say that I online fb till 5am. Hahaha, that time I'm very mad searching the message that contain your password in our fb chat, you said I can sacrifice for fb but not for you?! Yes, no reason for that action, yesterday till now already make me out of my mind. All this made me unlike a girl right?! You honestly think I could handle all this don't you?? :)) The effect of every action I did is in my expectation. You said I'm ruining everything in you, yes you're always right but what about my heart?! It can't be mend already, what are you going to do next to make it more worse???

The anger is still there, maybe I'll regret for what happened last night but not right now. It's way better that you unfriend me, since you don't wanna do so, let me do it using your account :)) So you don't have to keep so in touch with me. Don't have to get so worry and angry about me. And soon you will forget about me as you don't need a friend like this. I don't qualify to be your gf then why will I be qualified to be your friend?!

ws D':

........

12/9 (Mon)

Yea, before you end the chat tonight you said you're going to block me. Thanks to myself but I think I removed you as friend before you did that *Whatever == Maybe the most correct thing you ever did in life is, DUMP me and/or don't keep in touch with me... This action you made just showed me that how mean I'm to you, how not satisfy you are with me, etc... So tell me, the conclusion is I'm the fault we'll end up like this isn't it?? All this's just so great :')

I'll always remember this's the way you want me back... What happened before, during and after my examination week I don't want to say. It all will happen because of me, thank you! Well about my grades thingy, I can only say: I really don't expect myself to score nice :C Maybe I deserved all this, hahaha. Before that, you finally "willingly" gave me the time I want to think and decide with no more forcing. What's with the rush I don't understand?!

I've tried to change for you but what I get?! I still sense disappointment from you. It feels like I din't pay any effort at all in getting back you. Never mind, you've already blocked me. In your last fb chat with me, you said you're giving me eternal time to consider, means I don't have to consider at all. Terrific! Move on like you always wanted to, I'm just an obstacle in your life. Have already stopped you not intently for a few times, so now I won't and shouldn't be the reason you stay here like an idiot for me anymore.

Thanks for everything you gifted to me, the time, the presents, those worries and more. I don't think you'll wanna see this either, hahahaa. I don't suit you as I'm undeserved, thanks for being that tolerable to a mean girl like me. Being with you is not wrong, kinda the matter of time?! Or maybe I shouldn't agree to be with you at the 1st place, lols :')

P/S: My dark circles and eye bags are getting more and more serious, haizzz :S

WS ;C

:(

1/9 (Thurs)

I felt like crying but I can't, I'm tired of hiding my sad feelings but I really can't do anything but to pretend that I'm okay. I'm currently in my Ipoh home so that's why. Had the last outing this afternoon before I have my exam next week, not that enjoyable because mood was spoiled *thanks to him :S And the Cantonese movie I watched with them was funny, kinda likey. Wonder when can I see them again especially those who are studying in other places, just felt sorry that they have to see me in trouble and moody like this.

I wonder why he can't wait till both of our emotion is more stable then settle our problem?! I really don't want to end like this and I'm afraid that I might regret. I need time freaking badly but he just insist on ending this thingy with me. Okay, just be it. I knew there's nothing else I can do to make him change his mind anymore. I really have no idea why my digi number so fast out of credit, he don't believe. Fine :( I just knew I'm so gonna get scold again this month when the coming phone bill arrived. I always hope I'm using prepaid but I'm not...

I'm freaking sad and angry that time after I viewed the fb message he sent me.. So just admit it: I'm mean, selfish and suck. All this make me a bad gf wanting her bf to wait and wait and wait like an idiot. Go ahead, please hate me!! Frankly, I really don't know what I really wanted at this moment. Why he has to be that rush?! Fine, it's not important anymore. He's mad and he said no more friend from now on. He wished it that way so I granted him. Okay, so I removed him from my fb friend list..

How can I forget that I'm freaking mad just now, I need to control my tears as I'm at my dining hall online-ing. Haizz, I just hope I won't regret even though I know I would some how. This's what I deserved, finally a "happy" the end. Great! A simple yet loving relationship that I once wished to have, the hope in me is gone. I'm so so so moody, I need to start studying though the study mood's not there. I just got strong feel that my final exam might get screw some how :(

WS :'(

The end...

30/8 (Tues)

I need to write it out no matter what!! Don't blame me for ignoring you as you should know I would treat you like this. Don't you think the condition's awkward?! From bf downgrade to friend, you expect me to treat you like how I treat my friends?! You're too naive, I need time freaking badly to accept the changes in our relationship lo!! I already blocked you from viewing my wall, I won't remove you from my friend list. I still can handle it... Ishh, it's just so not my day. FML!! :S

Haizzz, things between us dint run smooth, we quarrel like once a week. You're the 1st guy that made me cried that much. You always gave me the feel like I'm a bad gf, or maybe I am :'( I'm laying my trust on you but why I don't feel that you're doing the same on me?? You always know I need private time for myself. You knew I can't accept your phone call that publicly when I'm in my Ipoh home. You cared and you said it will be fine soon, but why you sounds like you're accepting it unwillingly??

You failed to lie me, so just admit it: I can't satisfy your needs!! You know I can't always text you, even I got another sim card, but it's not that convenient. Erghh, I really dislike the phone bill issue!! This month it's over again, and my mum's mumbling about that again == Fine, there won't be any chance my phone bill will exceed that much again. Never :@ Or maybe I'm too greedy, I'm like expecting you to understand my condition. But you dint, even you did, you're still not happy about what I did that made you worried.

Got an outing with my buddies this afternoon and they woke me up some how: you're so not my type after all. They're indeed questioned by my choice, as they understand me too much!! *My ideal bf is always the SMZ type :O That time I'm really doubting should I voice out to let it calm 1st and let us figure out whether we should continue or not. If you're around, I'll really feel uncomfortable when I'm with my friends. I really need to have a girly talk with them...

I knew you're mad, you kept on calling me to know my stuff, then finally I received your text telling me your request to be friends 'cause you can't stand with me anymore. Which means you don't want me anymore, you don't love me anymore, all those things that we experience together ain't important to you anymore. Okay, great!! I totally respect your choice. I gave you mostly everything and this's the ending I got. You're abandoning me :(( Well, I'm glad that I dint cry that time and I still can firm myself up to go to work :X

I don't think I got the courage to reject them as I already promise them to come to work on the Merdeka public holiday because of you. I felt unproductive, kinda useless and my legs are arching but luckily I din't break anything. Can I suddenly tell them I'm sick and I can't come to help them the next day?? I really need time, I'm really not okay but I need to pretend that I'm okay. That's me, I just don't like the feel of making people worry about me.

Whatever it's, it's over for the last time. I'm reluctant that we have to end this way that quickly but I have to. Yea, I'm crying for you for the last time also. Maybe this is the better way for the both of us... And maybe being with me it's a huge mistake that you have ever made!! Please leave me alone, I'm alright. I deserved nothing....

P/S: Gossh, I really need to study hard for my final already. I can feel the pressure already. Stop being lackadaisical ahh, I need my study mood now!!! :C

WS :'(